jokes on men 3
May 31, 2008-
Men are like Laxatives…
They irritate the crap out of you. -
Men are like Bananas…
The older they get, the less firm they are. -
Men are like Weather…
Nothing can be done to change them. -
Men are like Blenders…
You need One, but you’re not quite sure why. -
Men are like Chocolate Bars…
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. -
Men are like Commercials…
You can’t believe a word they say. -
Men are like Department Stores…
Their clothes are always 1/2 off. -
Men are like Government Bonds…
They take so long to mature. -
Men are like Mascara…
They usually run at the first sign of emotion. -
Men are like Popcorn…
They satisfy you, but only for a little while. -
Men are like Snowstorms…
You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last. -
Men are like Lava Lamps…
Fun to look at, but not very bright. -
Men are like Parking Spots…
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
jokes on men 2
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot’s been spotted a several times.
What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says…"
What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they’re all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
about friendship
friendship is a network that needs no recharge, no roaming, no activation, no signal problems…
Just mak sure you don’t switch off your heart…
wish for a friend
Always ask God to give what you deserve not what you desire…
it’s because your desires may be few but you deserve a lot more…
jokes on marriage and wedding
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jokes on men
- What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women" - What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature - How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head - What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up - How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know… it has never happened - What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum - What’s the difference between a man and E.T?
E.T. phoned home - What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer - What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted ! - What did God say after he created man?
I can do better - What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind 2. No business - What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist - Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal?
He bronzed it - How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy and wearable" - Only a man could buy a $400 car and put a $4000 stereo in it
- Why did God create man?
He needed to practice - Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost, at least she will ask for directions
The Rules by which females are governed :-)
- The FEMALE always makes the rules.
- The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification…by the FEMALE.
- No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
- If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.
- The FEMALE is never wrong.
- If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
- The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
- The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
- The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
- The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
- The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
- The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.
- The MALE who doesn’t abide by THE RULES; can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!
- Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
- The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.
- The MALE must be ready at ALL times
dare…
May 28, 2008
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
losing what u have…
Some people say,u dont know what u have until u lose it. I think u always know what u have, u just never thought u would lose it 
.
man & woman
May 21, 2008In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.
If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
men’s guide to what women really want…
-You want = You want
-We need = I want
-It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
-Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
-We need to talk = I need to complain
-Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.
-I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
-You’re… so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
-You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
-I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.
-Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
-This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
-I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
-I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
-Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
-I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
-Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
-How much do you love me?= I did something today you’re really not going to like.
-I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V.
-Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
-You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
-Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
-Yes = No
-No = No
-Maybe = No
-I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.
-Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to
it.
-Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep.
-I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
-All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
for women- to do… for men - to know…
May 19, 2008Allow your heart and mind to feel and experience these things for/with him:
To melt by just looking in his eyes,
To let your heart dance to the sound of his laugh,
To hold his hand and never take for granted how it feels when he holds you with both,
To take the chance of being wounded because you will not give him up freely,
To have him consume your every dream, your every thought, your every waking moment,
To be thankful for another night of falling asleep in his arms,and another day of waking up with him in your life,
To get lost at the very thought of him, only to find your way back when he sneaks up from behind and kisses you,
To let him know just how incomplete you would be without him, and how wonderful he is by just being who he is,
To never let anything he accomplishes or achieves ever go unnoticed,
To tell him you love him even more than you did the day before,
To let your shoulder be his support when he has a bad day,
To make sure you have food and beer ready for every game or race, then holler and cheer for his favorite team or driver because you love to watch it with him,
To Learn that sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness in return for his,
To have passion with every kiss and mind blowing moves with each intimate moment,
To never make him choose between his friends AND you,
To take his breath away at least once a day by doing something unexpected,
To always apologize when you’re the one in the wrong,
To miss him just as much when he’s not in the same room with you as you would if he were gone for a few months,
To always shower him with nice compliments,
To never let two wrongs make a right,
To let him captivate you by his own views and opinions,
AND
To ALWAYS love him with all you have, with all you are and everything you become.
how to treat a girl…
Just got this from an email…
Up to you if you agree or not… 
1.Whatever you do, don’t just show up at their house…they run around in their underwear just like we do.
2. Don’t cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the damn hat.
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.
5. Don’t refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
7. Don’t be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.
8. If you don’t sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don’t tell your friends that you did.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really…most of them are not offended by it…
10. Not all of them eat like birds, alot of them can eat like whales.
11. Most of them don’t mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you’re a pussy.
11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the s**t out of him.
15. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
16. Never, ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you’re so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
18. You’re dead meat if you can’t get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
19. Don’t flirt with their moms…that’s just freaky.
20. Don’t be freaked out by PMS. It’s not gross, and it really does make them feel like s**t, so be understanding.
21. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.
22. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
23. Don’t stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
26. Memorize their god damned birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.
27. Don’t marinade the cologne, but smell good.
28. Don’t give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
29. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
30. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, priviledge and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
A woman should have…
May 18, 2008One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come….
A woman should have…
Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to…
A woman should have…
Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…
A woman should have…
A youth she’s content to leave behind…
A woman should have…
A past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age…
A woman should have…
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…
A woman should have…
One friend who always makes her laugh…and one who lets her cry…
A woman should have…
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…
A woman should have…
A feeling of control over her destiny…
Every woman should know…
How to fall in love without losing herself…
Every woman should know…
How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining a friendship…
Every woman should know…
When to try harder and when to walk away…
Every woman should know…
That she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…
Every woman should know…
That her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…
Every woman should know…
What she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
Every woman should know…
How to live alone…even if she doesn’t like it…
Every woman should know…
Whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…
Every woman should know…
Where to go, be it to her best friend’s kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing…
Every woman should know…
What she can and can’t accomplish in a day, a month, and a year…
Every woman should know…
That she is special and desired by someone whom she may or may not have found yet…..but he is looking for her…
One Flaw in Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
I may… I may not…
Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I may not forget you.
